Other child survivors are simply labeled Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depressed, suicidal, dissociative pathology, psychosomatic disorder, or anxiety disorder as if their reaction is a disease and not a reasonable response to an unreasonable event. Infants and toddlers are dismissed as too young for intervention.
Some families receive support for the funeral, visiting the grave, and reactions that follow. Others are left alone with baby furniture, clothes, toys, and lost daily rituals of touching holding and listening to baby sounds. Friends, family and neighbors withdraw, not knowing what to do.
Almost no intervention is provided to professionals and volunteer service providers who are affected by such a death. An exception may be a Critical Incident Debriefing in one agency, or a supervisor who can balance the employees need for empathy and protection with the need to feel competent and to continue work. Peer support is generally only a concept, not a reality.
Few departments have protocols for arranging funerals or providing staff support. Professionals who share the same pain are seldom linked with each other and rarely attend the funeral, the wake, visit the grave, or attend the social gatherings that help people in mourning feel less alone.
We are, however, beginning to learn. Los Angeles County had begun a monthly Grief and Mourning study group for professionals and advocates addressing fatal or severe family violence. Other similar forums are appearing nationally.
Professionals and volunteers who address grief and mourning are beginning to address family violence, homicide and child survivors. They are teaching us, for example, that children may benefit from funerals and an open casket to say goodbye and leave a gift. Pictures or a video of the funeral leave a visual history to be seen at a later date.
Children are damaged by half-truths and lies. Your local library or bookstore has rapidly growing collections of books on death and loss including children's books that address family violence. Some caretakers and therapists are using these books to help themselves and children understand. A few agencies have formal training and protocols for line staff.
We are learning to serve these survivors. We are learning to serve ourselves. The story of Mikey and Jennifer comes from many stories. We can change the ending. Groups of professionals, friends, family, and neighbors could have gathered for the funeral. Visitors could have come to leave flowers or notes including strangers touched by a larger story with pictures in the newspaper. The school and the half sibling could be included. These children could have known of the death, tempered their fears and continued to have Jennifer in their life.
Professionals could be less damaged and learn to see each other as people to work with as peers rather than strangers. Mikey's birthday and anniversary could be times of acknowledged community grief rather than times for individuals to be lost and alone.
Mikey should not have died, but he did. We can ignore that loss or we can choose to face death and the sense of loss and pain that follows. With acceptance of the process of grief and mourning we may all find some sense of mastery and a fuller sense of life.